Reporting Live: Pirate Fresh. Last weekend my people did it again. We fucked it up. You know? We fucked it up like we’ve been doin a lot lately. We let another one get away. I mean it’s not really a tragedy. That’s just a fancy title. It’s really just a shame. It’s just a fuckin shame. To call it a tragedy is a gross exaggeration and cop out. Fake news. Fake fuckin news. Learned behaviors. Taught to the baby boomers by their cynical, cry baby grandparents. “Aww, poor us, our dilapidated theater burned down.” Honestly people, it’s not a tragedy, it’s not sad it burned down, its a shame. Call it what it is. Not what it’s not. It’s not like you guys kept the theater up. I mean, the State of Connecticut let it rot from the mid- 1980’s until 2005. So on a grand scale, on behalf of my generation, the ones born in the mid 80’s, the one’s who never had a chance to attend any kind of real cultural events at the theater. The generation who was robbed of that experience, on behalf of us, fuck y’all, y’all that were working for the town, working for the state, our parents, our grandparents, just like the adults of that generation, like fuck y’all, ya kinda dropped the ball on that one. Thanks for letting it rot before our eyes during the entirety of our childhoods. Real nice memories.
Shame on the state for that one. So anyways, 2005, it’s back in the hands of The Town of Stratford. 2005. That was 14 years ago. For 14 more years, it rotted away even more while you assholes couldn’t get your heads out of your own asses and come to an agreement to do the work! Work. Work. Yes. Yes baby boomers, yes grandparents. The work to keep it open. I mean, how lazy could ya’ll be? Ya’ll are seriously like “fuck them kids”. Y’all lost your loyalty. Sold out for a quick buck. Retiring at 65. Moving to Florida. Doing no community service. Just made your money and shit on us. Not all of y’all. Some of y’all were the good ones. And you’re not upset about reading those words. Cuz you know you they were fucked up too and you know it’s not a tragedy, but a goddamn shame.
I remember, instead of going to plays at my towns Shakespeare Theater. Instead of learning about the arts, performing, writing, plays, things I might have actually been interested in at the time. My parents sent me to Florida for vacations with my grandparents. Where I learned how to golf. Where I learned how to shop at huge strip malls. Where I learned how watch commercial movies in giant, boring commercial movie theaters. Where I learned to buy cheap, bulk sold, unoriginal, tourist attraction shells from a “shell factory”. (Granted, there was some cool shit peppered in there too, but those are other stories for other times.) So anyways, strip malls and consumerism. Instead of learning about the arts. In my own town. Thanks guys. Hope Florida was worth it. (It was, this story is already gold) And the baby boomers, our parents, aunts, uncles. Shit, ya’ll were in it the whole way too. And just like before, I’m not saying everyone. Buuuuut, we all take these losses together folks, soooo you’re it. Where the fuck we’re y’all on that one? Hmm? Doing a deal for an auto parts store? A Dunkin’ Donuts? Wait, let me guess? A super market? A Home Depot? Great tax benefits! Fuckin shit. “The theater doesn’t bring any income” Um, ya, you assholes haven’t put any significant effort into keeping it up. Instead, you kept up the other shit. Which we have plenty of. It’s not a tragedy when you do it on purpose. It’s a shame. You found time to bring in almost every major American big chain fast foot restaurants. You found time to bring in almost every major American big chain auto parts store. You found time to take a building that used to be used to manufacture “working” parts and made it into a building that just gets us drunk so we won’t notice how shitty ya’ll left it for us. (It is good beer. And also I like the ambiance. Thank you Two Roads). Fuck…
Wait wait wait. I’m ranting here. I had to pause writing this. Take a day off. So I took a day off. I had to remember, it’s just a shame. And a shame doesn’t deserve such a rant. Tragedies deserve rants like that. Apologies to those offended by what you just read. You see, all the other generations might have conspired together in their laziness, but mine, mine is on a whooole ‘nother level. It’s not that we’re lazy, we just don’t care. And why would we? I don’t want to put the effort in. I don’t even want to put the effort in to write this using my “intelligent” language. I’m just writing this shit. Ya know? Fuck it. I could write super intelligent if I really wanted to. I could write using the best intelligence, really really great intelligence! I could investigate and shit. I could start a charity. I could donate money. I could donate time. I could find out the who’s, the why’s, the when’s. I could go on a fuckin mission. I could singlehandedly organize a group of well-intentioned people and get that theater rebuilt!! Better than ever! But why? So history could repeat itself? You see. I’m American. We’re Americans. We’re from small town America. I know as well as everyone else knows, this is just where we’re at now. We don’t give a shit about theater. We have television. We don’t give a shit about plays. We have 24/7 drama pumped into us every day. We don’t give a shit about Shakespeare. We have Donald Trump’s twitter. We could have had it better, but we have what we deserve. It’s not a tragedy when you get what you deserve. We deserve our burned down Shakespearian Theater. We deserve the shame. And nowadays, I’d rather proudly wear the shame and own the blame than act like the victim of a tragedy. Maybe a little shame is what we need to get us to where we need to be.
-Pirate Fresh
The Time Traveler 
It is a “shame”!
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